Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
