home. puking in laundry basket.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
