just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
