If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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