You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
