I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
