Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize