I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
