Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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