I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this boner is exhausting
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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