It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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