Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I don't deserve a penis
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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