Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
