Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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