as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
