I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
