Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
