My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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