I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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