i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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