hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I faked an abortion last night.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
