someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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