Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
