If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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