Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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