guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
