Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
