just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
