I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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