i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
