Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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