I just saw a hot homeless man
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
