the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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