I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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