Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
