i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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