i think i have two assholes
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
