Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
