I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
