I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
