saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
