Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
