i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
