i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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