so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
