I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
