I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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