My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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