and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
