Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
