Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
