you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
