I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
